Ole and Lena
This one is from Laurie K. 3/15/08 -
The reason the Irish celebrate St. Patrick's Day is because this is when St. Patrick drove the Norwegians out of Ireland.
It seems that some centuries ago, many Norwegians came to Ireland to escape the bitterness of the Norwegian winter. Ireland was having a famine at the time, and food was scarce. The Norwegians were eating almost all the fish caught in the area, leaving the Irish with nothing to eat but potatoes. St. Patrick, taking matters into his own hands, as most Irishmen do, decided the Norwegians had to go.
Secretly, he organized the Irish IRATRION (Irish Republican Army to Rid Ireland of Norwegians. Irish members of IRATRION passed a law in Ireland that prohibited merchants from selling ice boxes or ice to the Norwegians, in hopes that their fish would spoil. This would force the Norwegians to flee to a colder climate where their fish would keep. Well, the fish spoiled, all right, but the Norwegians, as every one knows today, thrive on spoiled fish. So, faced with failure, the desperate Irishmen sneaked into the Norwegian fish storage caves in the dead of night and sprinkled the rotten fish with lye, hoping to poison the Norwegian invaders.
But, as everyone knows, the Norwegians thought this only added to the flavor of the fish, and they liked it so much they decided to call it "lutefisk", which is Norwegian for "luscious fish".
Matters became even worse for the Irishmen when the Norwegians started taking over the Irish potato crop and making something called "lefse". Poor St. Patrick was at his wit's end, and finally on March 17th, he blew his top and told all the Norwegians to "GO TO HELL".
So they all got in their boats and emigrated to Minnesota or the Dakotas - the only other paradise on earth where smelly fish, old potatoes and plenty of cold weather can be found in abundance.
This one's from Kermit Kirkvold, at the 2007 reunion -
Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!"
Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I've hear you can drink that yet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.
Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"
Ole says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Sven says, "I feel great too. Ya don't have no hangover?"
Ole says, "No dat yet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often."
Sven agreed. "Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."
Ole asked, "Vat's dat?" Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"
Ole stopped to think. "No."
"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Milvaukee."
This one's from Aunt Alice O. (11/17/06):
MINNESOTA AIR TRAVEL YA SURE, YA BETCHA, DIS IS DA LATEST AIR SERVICE TO SPROUT UP IN MINNESOWTA...ALSO SERVING VICONSIN, MICHIGIN, NORT DAKOTA, AND MONTANA...TRY IT, YOU VILL LIKE IT!!
If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, da no-frills airplane. You're all in da same boat on Lutheran Air, vhere flying is an uplifting experience. Der is no First Class on any Lutheran Air flight. Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls, 7-15 bring a salad, 17-21 a main dish, and 22-30 a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.
Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by freevill offering and da plan vill not land until da budget is met. Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acqvuaint you with da safety system abord dis Lutheran Air 599.
Okay den, listen up: I'm only gonna say dis yust once. In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson and Co-captian Erickson because ve fly right around 2000 feet, so loss in cabin pressure vould probably indicate da Second Coming or something of dat nature, and I vouldn't bother with dose little masks on da rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Yust stuff dose back up in der little holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence vhich, to be honest vith ya, ve're going to have quite a bit of at 2000 feet...sort of like driving across a plowed field, but afer avhile ya get used to it.
In da event of a vater landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and yust hope ya get to da part about forgive us our sins as ve forgive dose who sin against us, vhich some people say "trespass against us," vhich isn't right, but vat can ya do?
Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because dey may interfere with the plane's navigational system, vhich is seat of da pants all da vay...no, it's because cell phones are a pain in the vazoo and if God meant ya to use a cell phone, He vould have put your mouth on da side of your head. Ve're going to start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with the coffee pot up front.
De ve have da hymn sing...hymnals in da seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours with you vhen ya go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kidding! Right now I'll say Grace...
"Come Lord Jesus be our guest and let dese gifts to us be blest. Father, Son and Holy Ghost, may ve land in Dulute or pretty close. Amen."
RUMSFELD BRIEFING BUSH IN THE OVAL OFFICE (11/2006)
"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."
Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".
"Mr. President," says Rumsfeld, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?
Bush looks up and says.."How many is a brazilian'?
This one's from Don (10/10/06) -
Wisconsin Ghost Story
This happened just outside of Spooner, a little town in the northwoods of Wisconsin , and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real!
This out-of-state traveler was on the side of the road, hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm.
Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.
Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.
Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.
Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would drown!
But, just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.
Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!
Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran as fast as he could into town.
Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and, with a quivering voice,ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.
A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth.
About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Ole, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in der rain."
Ole was having eye trouble, so he went to see the optometrist. "Put this little gadget over your left eye, Ole," said the optometrist. "Now over the right eye, over the left eye. No, Ole, I said left eye. Now right . . . No Ole, your right eye!" Completely confused, Ole just looked at the optometrist. "Now, Ole," the optometrist continued, "just remember which is your left hand. OK, Ole, cover your right eye . . . No Ole, that's your left eye!" Finally in exasperation, the optometrist took a brown paper bag, cut a hole in it, put it over Ole's head, and moved the hole back and forth from the left eye to the right eye. "Now, Ole," asked the optometrist, "How is that?" "Vell, Doc, I guess it's all right," said Ole. "But I vas vishing I could have some wire rims like Sven."
"I need to buy some boards there, Sven." "How long you want 'em, Ole?" "Long time. I'm building a house, ya know."
All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.
So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly downed! Sven just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so vhy can't I valk across da lake like my fadder, his fadder, and his fadder before him?
Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, yer fadder, grandfadder and great grandddther ver born in Yanuary, you ver born in Yuly."
Tom and Trina